This is a quick one--that's why I chose it for tonight. And by the way, if you know me personally you might have heard some of these tales before. But anyway:
One time I worked at a bank, and the building that it was in had previously been a Del Taco. It still had the Spanish-tiled roof, and once in a while people would walk in, look around in a dazed manner, and then exit without saying anything. We never knew but assumed they had been in search of a burrito rather than a car loan or whatever. I mention this only to establish that the bank was set amongst a bunch of fast food restaurants.
There was a Pizza Hut on one side of us and a Church's Chicken on the other. One day a particularly unobservant and nasally-voiced woman evidently turned into the wrong parking lot by mistake. Not to be deterred by the lack of a menu or speaker box, she pulled right up to the drive-thru teller window and drawled, "I want two chickin bray-usts and a Co-Cola."
Friday, February 13, 2009
Saturday, February 7, 2009
The Pet Peeves I Promised You
I'm only posting this because I said I would, and I only said I would because I found this list stuck in my desk recently. I'm really all excited about what I'm going to post NEXT--because I had already planned a series of posts about crazy-ass things that have happened to me on various jobs over the years, but in the meantime, Brian has stunned me with a dirty confession that you'll probably like to hear about.
But for now, the pet peeves. Let's count 'em down. (I can't believe I haven't listed ten, since I'm so easily annoyed by so many things, but I've only got eight.)
8) People who sit right beside me in empty restaurants. (I know I've mentioned this before, that's why it's number 8.) And to this one I'll add those people who must sit directly in front of me at a movie when there are only about six couples in the whole place.
7)Cashiers who put coins on top of bills when giving me change. It's backwards.
6) People who blow their noses in public. God knows what debris from my snot-filled coworkers has landed on me, but I despise this practice in restaurants even more. I have seen people blow their noses in linen napkins at restaurants. I always want to go over and say,"Pardon me, but would it offend you if I vomit on you and ruin your meal the way you ruined mine?"
5)People who casually work things into conversation to let me know how much money they have. I don't begrudge anybody who's rich and happy about it but I'd rather they came right out and said "Hey, I'm a rich sonofabitch, whaddya think of that?" Then I could respond in kind and say, "Must be nice." But if they casually drop a comment about how they had a flat on their Jaguar, I'm just going to stare at them like they're speaking a different language, because I'd rather die than go, "Wow, you have a Jaguar?!COOL!" That would satisfy them too much.
4)People who make plans with me and then blow me off. I have permanently broken ties with more than one friend over this. I understand that things come up unexpectedly sometimes, or sometimes we just change our minds, but we all have telephones.
3)Nervous laughers. People who laugh after everything they say, even if it's not the least bit humorous. It's almost like they're apologetic for having spoken at all, so they add a laugh to everything in case anybody takes offense or disagrees. Then they can say, "Just kidding!" I think they should either grow a pair or shut up.
2)People who write YOUR instead of YOU'RE. This is just plain stupidity.
And my number one pet peeve of all time...is...
1) When people (other than Jim) say to me, "SMILE!" Jim is my friend and my old boyfriend, and he gets a pass on this one because he's been saying it to me for twenty-six years. But WOE BE UNTO STRANGERS who dare to insinuate that my facial expression does not suit them. It may not surprise you to hear that goody-goody, perky friendly nice people are not my favorite people anyway, but when they take it upon themselves (and really, they actually call out to me in parking lots and such)to demand that I rearrange my face, I am struck with the desire to rearrange theirs.
But for now, the pet peeves. Let's count 'em down. (I can't believe I haven't listed ten, since I'm so easily annoyed by so many things, but I've only got eight.)
8) People who sit right beside me in empty restaurants. (I know I've mentioned this before, that's why it's number 8.) And to this one I'll add those people who must sit directly in front of me at a movie when there are only about six couples in the whole place.
7)Cashiers who put coins on top of bills when giving me change. It's backwards.
6) People who blow their noses in public. God knows what debris from my snot-filled coworkers has landed on me, but I despise this practice in restaurants even more. I have seen people blow their noses in linen napkins at restaurants. I always want to go over and say,"Pardon me, but would it offend you if I vomit on you and ruin your meal the way you ruined mine?"
5)People who casually work things into conversation to let me know how much money they have. I don't begrudge anybody who's rich and happy about it but I'd rather they came right out and said "Hey, I'm a rich sonofabitch, whaddya think of that?" Then I could respond in kind and say, "Must be nice." But if they casually drop a comment about how they had a flat on their Jaguar, I'm just going to stare at them like they're speaking a different language, because I'd rather die than go, "Wow, you have a Jaguar?!COOL!" That would satisfy them too much.
4)People who make plans with me and then blow me off. I have permanently broken ties with more than one friend over this. I understand that things come up unexpectedly sometimes, or sometimes we just change our minds, but we all have telephones.
3)Nervous laughers. People who laugh after everything they say, even if it's not the least bit humorous. It's almost like they're apologetic for having spoken at all, so they add a laugh to everything in case anybody takes offense or disagrees. Then they can say, "Just kidding!" I think they should either grow a pair or shut up.
2)People who write YOUR instead of YOU'RE. This is just plain stupidity.
And my number one pet peeve of all time...is...
1) When people (other than Jim) say to me, "SMILE!" Jim is my friend and my old boyfriend, and he gets a pass on this one because he's been saying it to me for twenty-six years. But WOE BE UNTO STRANGERS who dare to insinuate that my facial expression does not suit them. It may not surprise you to hear that goody-goody, perky friendly nice people are not my favorite people anyway, but when they take it upon themselves (and really, they actually call out to me in parking lots and such)to demand that I rearrange my face, I am struck with the desire to rearrange theirs.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Public Admission
Here is a short list of things that I like, that I am not supposed to like. For various reasons, it is not cool to like these things. Liking them means that some people may consider me bourgeois. Luckily, I do not care. So here they are:
1)American Idol. Turn your nose up all you want--this show helps me get through the loathesome cold, dark nights of winter. I have loved it from day one, because I like to sing and I like to gossip and judge people, so the attraction is obvious. Thank you, Idol, for helping my winter weeks go by. You're a lifesaver.
2)The Olive Garden. I am sure that if I were privileged to dine in actual Italy, I would recognize this restaurant as a Disneyland sort of facsimile. I might be able to tell whether their entrees were authentically Italian. Fortunately I am ignorant of all such things, and so I love to go there. They bring me something good (and meatless) to eat, and the atmosphere is plenty Italian enough for me, because what do I know from Italy?
3)Canned Biscuits and Instant Potatoes. A can of Hungry Jack biscuits costs about a dollar and I can do about six things with them to create about three full meals. They are light and airy, they split open easily, and they taste good. Instant potatoes are just good comfort food when you want something warm and savory, and they also cost only a dollar or two for a big honking box that will keep in your pantry for the next couple of years. Hey, and while we're at it, I like buttermilk and cornbread, too. That is, you put cornbread in a glass and pour buttermilk on it. Call me a hillbilly, I don't care.
Conversely, here are some things that I am supposed to like, and don't.
1) Red wine. I'm not overly fond of any wine, but red wine is served at room temperature and tastes like dirt. What's to like? It doesn't even get you drunk very fast, I don't suppose, though I've never been able to choke down enough to tell. Sushi and caviar are also heinously gross, by the way.
2) Classical music. I don't mind a little Canon in D if I'm, oh, in an elevator or something, but I would never under any circumstances actually choose to sit around listening to classical music.
3)Christmas.
Next time I'm going to list some pet peeves I've been saving up.
1)American Idol. Turn your nose up all you want--this show helps me get through the loathesome cold, dark nights of winter. I have loved it from day one, because I like to sing and I like to gossip and judge people, so the attraction is obvious. Thank you, Idol, for helping my winter weeks go by. You're a lifesaver.
2)The Olive Garden. I am sure that if I were privileged to dine in actual Italy, I would recognize this restaurant as a Disneyland sort of facsimile. I might be able to tell whether their entrees were authentically Italian. Fortunately I am ignorant of all such things, and so I love to go there. They bring me something good (and meatless) to eat, and the atmosphere is plenty Italian enough for me, because what do I know from Italy?
3)Canned Biscuits and Instant Potatoes. A can of Hungry Jack biscuits costs about a dollar and I can do about six things with them to create about three full meals. They are light and airy, they split open easily, and they taste good. Instant potatoes are just good comfort food when you want something warm and savory, and they also cost only a dollar or two for a big honking box that will keep in your pantry for the next couple of years. Hey, and while we're at it, I like buttermilk and cornbread, too. That is, you put cornbread in a glass and pour buttermilk on it. Call me a hillbilly, I don't care.
Conversely, here are some things that I am supposed to like, and don't.
1) Red wine. I'm not overly fond of any wine, but red wine is served at room temperature and tastes like dirt. What's to like? It doesn't even get you drunk very fast, I don't suppose, though I've never been able to choke down enough to tell. Sushi and caviar are also heinously gross, by the way.
2) Classical music. I don't mind a little Canon in D if I'm, oh, in an elevator or something, but I would never under any circumstances actually choose to sit around listening to classical music.
3)Christmas.
Next time I'm going to list some pet peeves I've been saving up.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Why Can't This Be My Life?
Today has been one of those good days when a kid is sick, but just a little bit. Just enough of a bona fide temperature to keep him home from school (and of course, me home from work) but not enough for any actual suffering to go on.
Here's what I did today. We were already dressed to leave for school when I kissed Brandon and discovered how hot he was, so we went on over to Publix and bought cold medicine and soup and stuff. We came back home and got into bed and I finished reading Revolutionary Road. After that I straightened up the house and took my sheets off the bed to start some laundry. I checked emails and fixed Brandon's lunch. The mail came. At 3 we went to pick Bliss up from school and to transact some business at the bank since ordinarily my weekdays are all tied up in golf ball hell. Then we picked up Bliss's new contacts that had been waiting at the optometrist's office, and came home.
See, now that's a life I can deal with. It would make perfect SENSE to me if my days were spent taking care of people and things I actually CARE about, and doing little things that would make life smoother for the whole family. It makes sense to me too, quite frankly, that there should be some time in there for things I want to do, at times of the day when I have the energy to do them.
I don't care if I'm 44 years old, I will never accept or understand who arranged the world in such a way that I have to spend all day every day doing something I hate, surrounded by people who irritate me, just to make enough money to enable me to get up and do it again. It makes me crazy to even consider the phrase, "spend my life." I'm literally SPENDING it--throwing huge handfuls of days at the least desirable thing I can imagine.
When I stayed home and lived off my severance pay for a year or whatever it was, it was one of the best times of my life. Life was just better for the whole family. I got the kids to school, I wrote, I took care of the house and the pet. If a child needed to go to the doctor, no problem. If an errand had to be done during business hours, I was on it. Brian came home to a meal on the table and no work waiting for him to do around the house.
And see, I'm not what you'd call high maintenance. I'm not a shopper, I don't need to get my hair and nails done, I don't care about driving a new car. All I really want to do is stay at home and have an existence where I'm not resentful and exhausted all the time. Why can't I have that?
Here's what I did today. We were already dressed to leave for school when I kissed Brandon and discovered how hot he was, so we went on over to Publix and bought cold medicine and soup and stuff. We came back home and got into bed and I finished reading Revolutionary Road. After that I straightened up the house and took my sheets off the bed to start some laundry. I checked emails and fixed Brandon's lunch. The mail came. At 3 we went to pick Bliss up from school and to transact some business at the bank since ordinarily my weekdays are all tied up in golf ball hell. Then we picked up Bliss's new contacts that had been waiting at the optometrist's office, and came home.
See, now that's a life I can deal with. It would make perfect SENSE to me if my days were spent taking care of people and things I actually CARE about, and doing little things that would make life smoother for the whole family. It makes sense to me too, quite frankly, that there should be some time in there for things I want to do, at times of the day when I have the energy to do them.
I don't care if I'm 44 years old, I will never accept or understand who arranged the world in such a way that I have to spend all day every day doing something I hate, surrounded by people who irritate me, just to make enough money to enable me to get up and do it again. It makes me crazy to even consider the phrase, "spend my life." I'm literally SPENDING it--throwing huge handfuls of days at the least desirable thing I can imagine.
When I stayed home and lived off my severance pay for a year or whatever it was, it was one of the best times of my life. Life was just better for the whole family. I got the kids to school, I wrote, I took care of the house and the pet. If a child needed to go to the doctor, no problem. If an errand had to be done during business hours, I was on it. Brian came home to a meal on the table and no work waiting for him to do around the house.
And see, I'm not what you'd call high maintenance. I'm not a shopper, I don't need to get my hair and nails done, I don't care about driving a new car. All I really want to do is stay at home and have an existence where I'm not resentful and exhausted all the time. Why can't I have that?
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