Global Warming--SOLVED!

I've been meaning to tell y'all this for a while... I actually solved the mysteries of global warming a month or two ago and I know it seems like this is an important discovery that I should've gone public with right away, but what can I say. I'm a busy person. Idol is on at least twice a week.

Anyway, as you all know, it's only too clear to people my age and older that global warming is a real phenomenon, in spite of what some stubborn scientists claim. We know it's real because we distinctly remember that when we were younger, it was MUCH colder than it is now! Just stop for a moment, and I'll bet several examples pop into your mind. Personally, I always remember the early November day in 1982 when I was riding around with my new boyfriendish-type-person, freezing to death in my oxford shirt until he detoured by his home and presented me with his letter jacket.

But in that very story lies a clue to the mystery I have unlocked. Are you ready?? Here it is: It seemed colder when we were younger because we were too stupid to wear a coat! If you have children, the truth of my discovery will have you smacking your forehead right now. "You need a heavier coat," I tell my kids. "I don't wanna carry it," they whine. "It won't fit in my bookbag. It makes me too fat for the carseat." And so forth. "Okay," I shrug. "Be cold, then." And lo, THEY ARE COLD.

When I was 19 years old I bought a car with a non-working heater, and all that winter I drove to work--fifteen miles or so--shivering, with a blanket across my lap. I did wear a coat, at least, but the blanket was necessary because every morning, like an idiot, I got up and put on a DRESS, PANTYHOSE, and PUMPS. I look back now and wonder what kind of a fool would not put on some nice warm pants, comfortable socks, and a pair of boots. A YOUNG fool, that's who. Look around and you will see it--grown people dress for the weather and kids don't. That's all it is. Scientists, you can pack up your gear and go home now.

Next month, stayed tuned for my enlightening explanation of why it is that "most car accidents occur within two miles of home." If I'm feeling really crazy I'll also tell you why "most shark attacks occur in less than four feet of water." That's a joke. You DO know why these are true, don't you? Please tell me you do.