The Pet Peeves I Promised You

I'm only posting this because I said I would, and I only said I would because I found this list stuck in my desk recently. I'm really all excited about what I'm going to post NEXT--because I had already planned a series of posts about crazy-ass things that have happened to me on various jobs over the years, but in the meantime, Brian has stunned me with a dirty confession that you'll probably like to hear about.

But for now, the pet peeves. Let's count 'em down. (I can't believe I haven't listed ten, since I'm so easily annoyed by so many things, but I've only got eight.)

8) People who sit right beside me in empty restaurants. (I know I've mentioned this before, that's why it's number 8.) And to this one I'll add those people who must sit directly in front of me at a movie when there are only about six couples in the whole place.

7)Cashiers who put coins on top of bills when giving me change. It's backwards.

6) People who blow their noses in public. God knows what debris from my snot-filled coworkers has landed on me, but I despise this practice in restaurants even more. I have seen people blow their noses in linen napkins at restaurants. I always want to go over and say,"Pardon me, but would it offend you if I vomit on you and ruin your meal the way you ruined mine?"

5)People who casually work things into conversation to let me know how much money they have. I don't begrudge anybody who's rich and happy about it but I'd rather they came right out and said "Hey, I'm a rich sonofabitch, whaddya think of that?" Then I could respond in kind and say, "Must be nice." But if they casually drop a comment about how they had a flat on their Jaguar, I'm just going to stare at them like they're speaking a different language, because I'd rather die than go, "Wow, you have a Jaguar?!COOL!" That would satisfy them too much.

4)People who make plans with me and then blow me off. I have permanently broken ties with more than one friend over this. I understand that things come up unexpectedly sometimes, or sometimes we just change our minds, but we all have telephones.

3)Nervous laughers. People who laugh after everything they say, even if it's not the least bit humorous. It's almost like they're apologetic for having spoken at all, so they add a laugh to everything in case anybody takes offense or disagrees. Then they can say, "Just kidding!" I think they should either grow a pair or shut up.

2)People who write YOUR instead of YOU'RE. This is just plain stupidity.

And my number one pet peeve of all time...is...

1) When people (other than Jim) say to me, "SMILE!" Jim is my friend and my old boyfriend, and he gets a pass on this one because he's been saying it to me for twenty-six years. But WOE BE UNTO STRANGERS who dare to insinuate that my facial expression does not suit them. It may not surprise you to hear that goody-goody, perky friendly nice people are not my favorite people anyway, but when they take it upon themselves (and really, they actually call out to me in parking lots and such)to demand that I rearrange my face, I am struck with the desire to rearrange theirs.